![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
- Mood:
cold
I am going to buy a Vdub and kidnap Jan from Capitalism and drive to to Baja for 6 months.
During this time I will learn how to surf like a pro.
Also during this time, I will smile everyday.
- Mood:
hopeful
I am sorry it sucks.
Seriously though.
My blog is totally selfish... it is only when i need it and when i want it.
What about everyone else in the world?
Word.?
Where are you.
Do you have a voice?
- Location:flat 9
- Mood:
awake - Music:citizen cope
☆ When I’m nervous I: get more nervous. then think about how being nervous makes me more nervous. Then I get nervous about that.
☆ Last night I: watched Apocalypto and was inspired by my animal instinct. **meow** gobble gobble. burp.
PART 1: YOU
☆ Were you a planned baby?
haha. no was an accident but my parents said i was a gift. I wonder if they still feel that way. hmmm.
☆ Were you the first?
No definitely the BABY.
PART 2: YOUR PERSONALITY
☆ Do you have low self esteem?
Sometimes. It depends... I don't like people with too much to prove. I am not one take me or leave me I am who I am.
☆ Are you happy right now?
It comes in waves as usual.
PART 3: APPEARANCE
☆ Are you comfortable with the way you look?
Yes, but I do need to work out. I am lazy... just because you can doesn't mean you have to.
☆ Describe your hair:
beachy
PART 4: RANDOM
☆ Ever been kicked out of a bar?
which one. seriously.
PART 5: THE OUTDOORS
☆ Do you prefer indoors or outdoors?
I need more details
☆ How’s the weather?
Sunny and windy up on the ninth floor
☆ Do you like walking in the rain?
only after a couple of...
☆ Do you like thunderstorms?
yes, i mis Texas storms more than anything. i even have a sound machine so i can listen to thunder.
PART 6: FOOD
☆ Are you a vegetarian?
No but I am picky about my organic and free range meat and if you think i am going to drink milk that is not organic than you have lost your mind.
☆ Anything you absolutely could eat forever?
pizza and ranch
☆ What is your favorite dessert?
milk and soft chocolate chip cookies
PART 7: RELATIONSHIPS AND LOVE
☆ Do you want to get married?
yup
☆ Been married before?
no
☆ Are you truly in love?
every day
PART 8: RANDOM QUESTIONS
☆ Where is your cell phone?
in the lost in found at a sports authority south of seattle. oops
☆ Cheesecake?
cheese thighs
☆ Your dream last night?
two weddings, people in costumes, a really big padded bra, texas
☆ Your favorite drink?
orange julius, taro bubble tea, a spicy bloody mary, sprite but only when i eat sushi
☆ Where did you grow up?
dallas
☆ Tattoos?
two and counting
☆ Ketchup?
on eggs, with meatloaf
☆ Your computer?
rocks
☆ Your life?
Sucks, for the time being.
☆ What are you thinking about right now?
fucking bitches.
☆ Favorite color(s)?
deep violet the kind were you can't tell if it is blue or purple
☆ When is the last time you laughed?
at you? right now.
☆ Last received call?
kristen shugah tits
Part 9: LIFE
☆ What friend knows the most about you?
Kristen Lee Emerson Kirks Captain Kirks that is.
☆ Who do you blame for your mood today?
the SUN!
☆ What should we do with stupid people?
Worship
☆ What is making you sad right now?
being rushed on my saterday to go to richmond, pay library fines, and make it to new west. its sat. lets chill out.
☆ What was the first thing you did this morning?
xxx
☆ Last person you went out to dinner with?
it should be my fiance' jan... time to ante up.
☆ Do you drink lots of water?
yes. its is good for the soul
☆ How do you vent your anger/sad?
run, music, drink
☆ What theme does your room have?
hippie brothel. is that an oxymoron or should i just say commune?
☆ Are you a mama’s child or a daddy’s child?
Neither
☆ The last website you visited?
craigslist
☆ Who was the last person you took a picture with?
AGATHA.. you sexy thing
☆ Last person you went to the movies with?
Jan. Harold and Kumar.
☆ What did you do/will you do for your birthday this year?
prob eat turkey. don't ask. and yes it will be free range.
☆ Is anything alive in your room?
a coconut
- Location:flat 9
- Mood: chipper
- Music:jan wantsa to go jan wants to go keys jingle jingle
Every Warrior of the Light has, at some point in the past, lied or betrayed someone.
Every Warrior of the Light has trodden a path that was not his.
Every Warrior of the Light has suffered for the most trivial reasons.
Every Warrior of the Light has, at least once, believed he was not a Warrior of the Light.
Every Warrior of the Light has failed in his spiritual duties.
Every Warrior of the Light has said "yes" when he wanted to say " no".
Every Warrior of the Light has hurt someone he loved.
That is why he is a Warrior of the Light, because he has been through all this and yet has never lost hope of being better than he is.
-Paulo Coelho
thanks Anna O.
- Location:flat 9
- Mood: chipper
- Music:Michael Franti
- Location:flat 9
- Mood: hopeful
- Music:ANTM
It is comforting that I am not alone, and maybe not the only one who is having trouble getting out of bed today. Sometimes I feel like I am one big panic attack. I mean... how stupid is it to be trapped by your own thoughts. I hate it. I want to get back on my benzos. I just don't want to be on them everyday. I suppose my body will let me know when I have forsaken my dependence on the green little pill called clonazepam. But that moment is so far away. Time flies when your having fun right? Well I am not having fun and find myself just being more down on myself and hard.
Its not like I had a rough childhood or have a specific reason to feel this way. If anxiety is genetic then certainly it does run in the family but I am so frustrated. I want to be more appreciative of what I do have. Why is it so damn hard right now. Does anybody have a word of wisdom about going though a benzo withdrawl? Is what I am feeling normal? Everything is so loud and bright it is overwhelming.
Thanks.
- Location:flat 9
- Mood:
frustrated - Music:nothing
Nothing seems real and I can't seem to adjust to my new level of medication. It is getting really hard. I don't want to give up but I don't understand how I can function in the real world right now and maintain a job even.
I had a job interview yesterday and instead of managing my anxiety with meds... I am detoxing and went in there and had verbal diarreah. Literally. I could NOT shut up.
I was so nervous and couldn't calm myself down. I mean Its great that I didn't just say screw it and pop some anti anxiety med but I completely messed up my interview in the process.
Now... I am beating myself up over it in a fit of anxiety over something I cannot change because it happened yesterday. But I mean really... I am an idiot! Seriously. I hope that is not my true colors finally 'coming' out because i don't like what I see.
I can't seem to find the energy or the care to get out of bed and it feels like the WHOLE world is asking me to do something. I keep trying to focus my energy on growth and positive and blah blah blah. But this is wrong.. I fear that I don't have the tools to grow from here. I am stuck.
The Doc prescribed me some Effexor to aid with the with drawl process if I felt that I needed it. I have been resisting thus far because I don't want it to become just one more thing that I have to ween myself off of but, laying here in bed because I am so out of it is ridiculous. So I started with my first pill today. We'll see if it helps at all. I actually don't want it to help because I don't want to take it.
Its like I have been living my life for the past 5 years and now... I have to change ALL of my habits, thought process, everything is changing. That in itself is enough to send me into a panic let alone taking away the one safety blanket of clonazepam that before.. would just take any worry away.
I AM A WORRY WORT!
- Location:flat 9
- Mood:
anxious - Music:the LOUD water pressure spreay outside my house needs to die
Life is moving way to fast.
I can slow it down by saying I quit, not by taking my medicine again but by doing what I WANT and quitting these jobs that stress me out.
But it is a catch 22 you see because if I weren't detoxing right now... maybe they wouldn't.
It is like living in an altered state... I am and will be slowly trying to figure out what is real for me.
The biggest panic attack of my life is slowly building.... I can't stop it... I don't know when it will burst but fear it.
I am scared. I am alone.
I am trying so hard to grow but right now I feel so cold and scared.
The wind is blowing hard tonight, our windows are rattling, it suits my mood.
Why are we ALL so scared. Please tell me I am not alone.
- Location:flat 9
- Mood: distressed
- Music:just the wind
OK..... Social Anxiety disorder is MOOD disorder here people and the whole point of me getting off my meds is so I can learn how to cope naturally with my anxiety and fears. stooooopiiiid. It is a cognitive process for me. Do you know where they can shove that research group?
- Location:flat 9
- Mood: bitchy
- Music:dispatch- out loud
10. My house warming party was awesome... until I got nervous and had a little too much wine and left my own party to take all of the girls out. Regardless if everyone was invited ; a hostess doesn't leave her own party and I have been beating myself up over it for the past 4 days. I CANNOT STOP. So any wise words of wisdome here are greatly appreciated
9. For one of these days I did not leave my bed. For the other two days I did not leave the house. For today I am moving on and trying to grow. But still down and beating myself up.
8. I refused to walk the seawall because I was too nervous. So Jan settled for a quick lap around the inukshuk.
7. I am not going to take the marketing job with this company because I honestly believe that the man is a bonified pervert. Deep down I hope I am not just making excuses for myself.
6. My ass is jiggly and I have been eating like shit. It is because I am depressed and think I might have to go back on my effexor... the doc said it could be a possibility. But the point of this journey is to be more natural.
5. I keep knit picking at Jan for shit that is irrelevent and I can't stop. I hope he understands that I am not frustrated with him.. I am just frustrated with myself. I take it out on him.
4. I am in a lonely place and want to be ok being alone. I am not. ok.
3. My mood is NOT consistent and I am (mentally) hot one minute and cold the next. God bless those around me because I am acting like a psycho.
2.I don't have a bus pass, don't know which one to get, don't want to spend the money, and don't want to cheat the system by using Jan's because it will be a panic attack everytime I get on that damned bus.
1. I am constipated. MENTALLY and physically.
- Location:flat 9
- Mood: frustrated
- Location:flat 9
- Mood: irritated
- Music:portishead - it's a fire
- Location:flat 9
- Mood:
busy - Music:philosomatika
- Location:flat 9
- Mood: rushed
- Music:NOTHING
I had decreased my dosage the previous day and I think this had something to do with it. It is not like I have to hide my clonazepam from myself because I crave it or fiend for it. It is like mornings like this... I can throw all that I want the need for control away by taking a pill that makes me more easygoing. I throw myself away.
Jan said a few simple words that ring over in my mind, " babe... its you and me... we stick together". He called our carpool and we went back to bed after some aromatherapy and big hugs. I woke up and felt drained but better. Its like that feeling you get after a good cry when nothing can really phase you. You've already been to your low point that day. So I woke up. Took my recommended dosage and continue my detox.
Feelings during the panic attack? It is like someone puts up a mental brick wall in the form of a square around a single thought and you can't get out of it and worst of all you can see its tedium. We wound up arriving in Whistler at about 3:00 instead of our "not free" preordained 9:00AM to get first runs. I was happy. I made it. I am still here. The weekend was trouble free after that. Actually it was freaking AWEsome. I saw De La Sol that night for the first time and the atmosphere was so alive. I met up with some friends, I explained my situation to our carpool and it wasn't a pity party it was a coming out party. People remember ME but they don't know my body is going through a journey that I can't always control. I have not achieved Mind=Body yet. It is only my second week!
Saturday we went snowboarding and it was amazing as the day even with only one contact in. It ended in a Spearhead concert to conclude the World Telus ski and snowboard festival. I relished in their songs and with the risk of sounding emo... even drew a tear as he sung about having 'a little faith in me'. I thought that is so what I need right now and that is what my fiancee' Jan gives me. He has faith in me, so many people do but I know a hell of a lot more that don't and don't care. I know I seem to say really positive things in this BLAHG but sometimes I need to remind myself and sometimes I really am positive that things will turn out how they are supposed to. P.S. I am not swithcing to Telus.
- Location:flat 9
- Mood:
okay - Music:Hooverphonic - 2Wicky
Lets start with my horoscope today:
Say what you feel and feel what you say -- it's easy now and you can do so with little fear of getting into trouble. Conversely, you can better understand what others are trying to tell you at the gut level, so heart-to-heart communication can flourish. Words flow and seem to have more meaning, reach further.
The past few days have been fun. Yesterday I took my morning dosage late and I could feel off for the rest of the day. But I had a photo shoot with a good friend and it was uberfun. I can't wait to see the pics today.
I think it was important to start with my horoscope because being on detox is kind of like a get out of jail free card. I can blame things on it... actually i just like to talk about it and i think people are getting irritated. Maybe not... Actually i believe that is the anxiety BEAST in my talking... she is a BIAATCH i think I will name her Kirstinky. So I guess you could say great... now she is developing multiple personalities but in this case I think it is therapeutic! Ha.
I am not jitter I am calm and aware. I think this is the first step in a long journey. I like the reality I see and I see things I want to change. I want my detox to be over. I want to not be dependent. I want to see what my reality really is and and know if I like it.
Whatever that reality is... It is a product of my decisions thus far in my life. I can't just dismiss the years that I have been on clonazepam... I mean it helped me through some reallly tough times but now it is just giving me a tough time.
Peace out! and on another note... i hate weirdos from skype.
- Location:flat 9
- Music:OaSiS
They have big shoes.
I am not looking at this detox as a trial and error thing. I AM GETTTING OFF MY MEDS and unless I have some severe problem other than social anxiety disorder which in my opinion... in My life and maybe not in anyone elses... social anxiety disorder is just a synonym for life.
I had to work on East Hastings in Vancouver yesterday and some people really are crazy. I could have much worse problems and I am fortunate to have been and still be so loved. It is my cushion. I am so lucky.
I am staring out my apartment windows/sliding glass doors and the waves are absoultely beautiful. It is a windy day even thosough the sun is out. But our sun meter shoes that it is not direct sunlight which explains why it is a little chilly other than the fact we are right on the water. I am content. I am happy to share this with sombody... even if it just myself looking back in 10 years.
I wake up every morning and look at this quote.
"Remain at your table and listen. Do not even listen, only wait. Do not even wait, be wholly still and alone. The world will present itself to you for its unmasking, it can do no other, in ecstasy it will writhe at your feet."
~Franz Kafka
Looking at the waves sitting here at my table. I agree. Honestly and importantly a part of this whole process and its success it the aromatherapy. I don't know... well I do know that it works but I don't know how much of it is working because it gives me somewhere to focus my energy. I am blessed.
On a more technical note of rambling... I don't know whether to decrease my dosage next time in increments of two weeks or one week. I get the choice every two weeks or every time I visit the pharmacy of how quickly I want to detox. I want to listen to my body and I want to say that I can do one week at a time but I want to get this process over with. Over with successfully. Dunno.
- Location:flat 9
- Mood: cheerful
- Music:You have been Loved by Sia
Now I am ready to go to bed and happy that I went out tonight and stayed in control. Control seems to be the operative word in life right now to survive. Controlling my surroundings = serenity. I understand this won't last but for now it works. This is good. Serenity NOW. Maybe it could work for me for a while. we'll seeee.
I am quite clumsy as I broke a glass at the bar bar but ya know what it comes down toooooo? the fact that I came home happy and in one piece ready to continue my journey. ghey. I know. but this is how i feel and i am tired but i refuse to neglect this journal. peace to all and good night.
- Location:flat 9
- Mood:
sleepy - Music:none
